As I write, it is the middle of June and the lazy days of summer are upon us...lazy, my foot! I have five children clamoring for what to do, can I get a ride here, etc. I find my life anything but lazy and honestly my heart is a bit overwhelmed...how can I meet all these needs and wants?
It dawned on me I am carrying more than is mine to carry. Why do I always go to this place of thinking its all up to me...I can and must come through for all the needs around me! That is quite a burden to live under. Very far from the burden is light and yoke is easy stuff I read Jesus telling me in His Word.
At first, the above verse made me think of the arrogance of Satan before his fall from heaven...wanting to be like God. I was encouraged to tuck this away for my talks around spiritual warfare and God's kingdom at women's events. I was shaking my head at Lucifer's pride and worshipping God for His might, wisdom and wonder. THEN it dawned on me...am I much different? Isn't this the lie whispered in the garden..."the serpent said to the woman, 'For God knows that when you eat of (the fruit) your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God..."
Believe it or not this is the root of the pressure I am feeling this summer! As a mom, I am seeing myself as the one to come through for all my kids' desires, do all character training, encourage life and protect them from the evils of the world. In my heart I am building a kingdom around ME and MY strength! And in this way I am "making myself like God" who is the giver of good things, the fortress to run to in time of need and the one to show the path to life. He is more jealous for my family's hearts and more capable of providing than I ever will be.
To go a bit deeper for my own heart...whenever I have suffered hurt, disappointment or lack, I have spent time going through the facts logically and reaching a conclusion that explained it away. All of this to protect my heart from feeling hurt, because I had no clue what to do with that emotion. So if I could come to an explanation for the "injury", I could avoid the pain and keep my heart pushed down. In a way I was elevating MYSELF (my mind) over a situation and building MY kingdom/throne that I could manage and control, intellectually at least. As an example, I rationalized my father's suicide as him really loving me by leaving life insurance money behind. What kind of explanation is that?! Or when I've had a fall out with a friend, I blame myself for making a mistake in communication which leads to shame. Again, what kind of reason is that?!
The Light has shone on this dark place and I now realize, rationalizing kept me from feeling the hurt, for a while, and it also kept me from running to God and His kingdom for comfort and protection. I set myself up to live apart from His presence and replaced it with my own throne of understanding! YIKES, this sounds so backwards and obvious, but it is so subtle that I am just now having the eyes of my heart opened to this prison I created.
Eventually the heart must speak! That is where the healing, freedom and life is. Not in understanding, but in trusting Jesus enough to run to Him to pour out my heart, wanting comfort and not demanding explanation nor understanding. I now know He will comfort me, bring truth and He is enough for every situation I will face...this is an uncertain world but I have a Rock as a Redeemer and need no fear of what will happen, nor need to control to feel safe!
Hence, my old kingdom is for sale and praise God Jesus' blood has paid for it. He takes it upon Himself so I can be rid of it and runs to me with HIS Kingdom of love, comfort and joy. Not to mention carrying my burdens and my family. I give you all Jesus and help me RUN to you in emotional upset when I am tempted to sit on my throne and rule with understanding. Understanding is a poor scepter when I can live loved as your daughter, a princess, who is radiant and free because of you.
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